I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy with Noid the other day and I was stuck by how some people stayed close to the character Christina clearly suffering from post traumatic dress disorder, depression and perhaps anxiety. Not a huge flock of people, just a few who stayed close and didn’t let go. They made it their business to build her back up. In that episode McDreamy took Christina fishing… all in the hope of having her feel a need a LIVE again. He persevered. He didn’t get angry or take it personally, he cared and he sat with her, regardless of her reactions, he accepted her, right where she is at…. and her not being okay wasn’t a personal judgement of her character, nor a reflection on their relationship.
I’m a manic depressive with bouts of anxiety. It is no secret and I don’t pretend otherwise. I recall six months ago when we eloped how many people scattered out of my life – ran, sprinting had nothing on them.
I was very self absorbed in my pain of dealing with all that had happened. I felt rejected, abandoned… hurt and yes, it did take time to heal from the break-up and rekindle of the relationship also.
Clearly I was hurting and healing – I was needy. No fishing with me. No sitting until the storm passed, except for Noid whom I know most of the time has not the faintest clue what to say or do for me… and I had the odd friend who did not judge… and I am thankful.
Sometimes I feel I am so easy to let go. Like I don’t matter much at all and the impact I have in people’s lives can’t be of lasting value if it is so easy to move on because dealing with my reality makes them uncomfortable…. Like I will be forgotten by the time the Christmas list if drawn up, now that I am a pretend Jew especially. hahahahaha!
Some friends are mere acquintances dressed in fickle smiles and pretty words until the uncomfortable depression hits the fan. I am under no illusion, being friends with the mentally ill has it’s challenges.
Sad however… ’cause I’m worth being with it when I’m not wanting to die, I’m quick witty, hilariously entertaining and funny. Some even loved me. :) Really.
I make no apologies if the post made you uncomfortable. Life is not a fucking candy store where everything is sweet.
BUT – tomorrow…. there is always hope in tomorrow. I’m tired.
I wish you somebody willing to fish in a pond that is forever deep, where no fish live.