Writing after midnight, sang to the tune of Walking after midnight by Patsy Cline.

Today has not been easy. I have been in immense pain. The original pain in my neck that opened this can of “Let’s play: Name that illness!” is back to give me a small haunting along with the deep tissue pain in my legs and lower back. I’ve over medicated and I am not feeling relief. I am not actually complaining. Documenting. Despite the small haunting, emotionally I feel happy and content. I am in love (and lust) with my husband, our children – life itself! I think of my sister who had open heart surgery a fortnight ago and I feel a wimp for even mentioning the word “pain” in my synopsis of a day.

Since our move to Buckingham (that is what my Mom named our house) we have only had 3G, and in desperation cell phone modem connection.  There is no land line in our house and as we started out not knowing if the commute would prove too annoying for Noid or not (he does not do traffic well – who does?), so we decided against putting in a land line. Those in South Africa would understand the concept of dealing with our service provider, Telkom… probably equal to what Americans call “going postal”. Resulting in us not having uncapped, fast and reliable access to the net. It drives me insane because for years I had a proper connection to the internet – a connection to my world of friends, information and my tool in expression with words and photography.

Specifically, the lack of connection drove me insane, today. There is a photo book I want to put together of our month long holiday touring the Garden Route. I need a proper connection speed to upload reasonably sized photographs to put my book together. I was feeling creative (read: manic) and felt frustrated that I couldn’t accomplish what I wanted.

 I am sure by now there are psychologists who specialise in social media and general internet addiction. Scary thing is that I have actually decreased my time online since I met Noid.  My husband not being a slave to the net, detests the amount of time I spend online. Correction, my unnatural attraction and addiction to my Black Berry. Dead sexy.

I do not blame him and I do believe he has every right to be annoyed.  Noid should have my full and undivided attention when we are together. He deserves that, besides that would just be plain good manners to make eye contact and not be fiddling on the phone! At the same time, it is my connection to a world I have created during the past 13 years and really hard to turn off. I do try. Honestly.

Since this haunting started in May 2011, I am moments away from becoming a hermit. More intensely so since I stopped working. 99% of my interaction with anyone, family or friend happens via Face Book, e-mail, text or bbm. My mere existence has become my online persona which sounds kind of dramatic taking into account that the online me and the real life me is pretty much the same. I may swear more in person….  Even Noid who is quite the homebody mentioned that we have not had a movie date in months. I have given this issue of staying in my physical comfort zone some thought as I am perplexed by my solitary existence as I know it is not who I am.

On a day like today it is natural that I would prefer being at home. I think anyone who felt ill would, so that is not unusual. However, the crux of my behaviour hugely boils down to having gained back all the weight I struggled so determined to loose. Inactivity, side effects of medication and all that passed my lips and rested on my hips, has resulted in me physically hiding from the world, making it simpler and effortless to live out loud online. I feel uncomfortable, ashamed and disappointed in myself.  I fear judgement. It is said that being aware of a problem is the first step to overcoming the obstacle. Well, I’m aware! :)  I need to keep it real, take control and get cracking to reach resolution. I plan on inviting Noid to a movie and attend the next blog get-together… if you will have me after all this time? That’s a start, right?

Now, it’s almost 3am and I am craving the feel of my husband’s skin on mine as I cuddle in behind him, even if he is snoring away.

Noid and Wenchy (February 2012)

I wish you enough,

Wenchy

 PS. In my infinite wisdom, I tried to install Google Chrome a few days ago which was a total disaster. As a result, my Google reader said farewell to all my subscriptions. So, be I a regular reader of your blog, or you happen to be visiting, be sure to leave me your blog address so I can upload all my subscriptions again. If you lurk, a hello would be nice – make my day.

PS some more…. Leave me your BBM pin. LOL

House*Blend

Princes and Dragons

“Melancholy” he said. In the same tone as one would greet another, not a question. I shrugged my shoulders and pulled a face. He smiled and continued typing on his desktop PC.

I sat down at my desk, directly opposite his. I put my bag in my bottom drawer, switched on my PC and logged into my phone.

I looked across at the dead boy Tim. The aircon was right above him and would always pick up a lock of wayward hair to play with in the wind that didn’t fit into his waist length blonde ponytail. He was humming “Strangers in the night…” as he worked. He always hummed a small selection of tunes.

I look back at my PC screen, finally booted, it asked for my password. I started typing. Without looking up, Tim mentioned that she, referring to our Boss with balls of steel, had left us a cracker of a list of things to do. I “sighed”.

Tim looked right up at me: “You know I love you Wench, but you are a pain in the ass to work with….” I attempted a smile. He carried on “…especially on days when you are in that Princes and Dragons phase.”

Embarrassed as if I had been found out, I looked down. Tears sitting right on the brink.

Months passed before I asked Tim while sitting outside our work building on a bench where he smoked, and I attempted to escaped the iron ball Boss. “Why do you always refer to my Princes and Dragons phase and why do you sometimes say I am feeling melancholy when I am clearly mentally fucked?”

Tim took a longer than usual drag from his cigarette and a sip of his Earl Grey tea out of a company mug before he answered me.

“I call it your Princess and Dragon phase because you go to a place where darkness and light is being fought over by the Princess of the land, and the Dragons breath a fire of darkness over where you stand, un-sheltered – neither Prince, nor Dragon can truly reach you. You just see and feel the darkness….until for no reason you feel sunny again.”

I started crying. Not one to run from emotion, Tim pulled me under his arm into his chest and whispered “I say you are feeling melancholy because it sounds so much nicer than saying Wench, you fucked in the head.”

I looked up at him, the sun making a halo around those unruly bits of hair. He smiled and said “Back to work, enough one way glass action for today.”

I attempted a smile, reminded we were in clear view off all in the office one way glass and waved, just in case, blew a kiss at the window.

Tim shook his head and started walked ahead, humming as we walked inside “How many roads must a man walk down….”

We were 21. He died at 25.

Melancholy was never mentioned again. Princess and Dragons were replaced with big medical words and long scripts.

I am 38. Bi-polar is the House*Blend.

Posted by The Nocturnal Wenchy from the second cloud on your left via Black Berry.

It had to be you…

Posted by The Nocturnal Wenchy from the second cloud on your left via Black Berry.

Down the garden path – Day 16

 Day 16 -  9 March 2012

The nakkid shower

I was sick in weirdo kinda way. The one minute I felt fine, the next I wanted to please die and by mid morning I was dividing my few small possessions amongst my friends. I eventually went to shower outside with Noid. Noid is not quite as mmm adventurous or maybe rather more proper – he doesn’t like indecent exposure – or rather, it takes great convincing. Well, I guess at least one of us has to keep the other in tow. The water was COLD as in kick ass COLD. The only thing I have seen Noid afraid of is spiders… but COLD water apparently evoked the same fear. LOL I laughed lots. I stripped down to nothing (we are in an open air shower, but the neighbour and us share the same walking path) and got under the COLD shower. It was wonderful, refreshing and thankfully I felt okay for those moments because I LOVED them). Eventually after washing my hair, soap, the works Noid gave it a go. HAHAHAHAH shame babe…. just at the moment the neighbour (who is a psychiatrist lol) comes down the bath. I am wrapped in a towel but I wasn’t sure who looked more surprised Noid of the neighbour. Yes, I took LOTS of pictures of my funky outdoor nakkid husband – he is HOT after all.

After that, I got dressed and again felt like hell. I had to lie down. Seriously, I did not sleep well as I was in kick ass pain and then I wake up weird. Noid did the unpleasant task of carrying everything uphill the car on his own (thanks love) while I called for my last confession.  I walked up to car and wanted to vomit. Seriously unsexy behavior. I lay down in the car and at first the motion made everything worse than better. Horrible.

The Pass

Herolds Wines

We left Herold’s Bay quite late and we did a pass or two with beautiful views, and a visit to a wine farm before we got to Knysna where we had rented a house in the Pezula Estate on the Knysna Heads. Noid met some guys at golf and they were staying here before us and recommended it. So, going with our idea of just going with the flow, we took the recommendation.

Beautiful Cape!

We booked in for four nights into a three bedroom, two bathroom house overlooking the 2nd hole on the Pezula Golf Course. Gorgeous view over a small water hazard with the sea in the back. Full kitchen, DSTV and ….most excitedly, our own golf cart. LOL This cart gave us lotsa good times over our four-day stay, mostly since we looked like plonkers driving up and down in our cart. In our defence, so would you if you had a golf cart in a golf estate.

View from our room

Noid cooked for us supper on the gas braai, some chops, salads  – all him. His Mom will be proud.

Now let me work on the rest of the days to bring you up to date. I wish we had an outside shower at home……

I wish you enough,

Wenchy

A purpose driven Princess – pea and crown?

ǶƐƖƖΟ darlings,

Yes, dearest friends and fuckwits, always in the shadows, I do owe you updates of the last two weeks of my trip with Noid touring the Cape, as well as the long weekend away with some of our children. I will get there – promise, pics and all.

For a full time Princess waiting for her crown to fall, my days run at quite a speed.

It is after 7pm. The evening meal is cooking. I am sitting in the dark in the formal or visitors lounge of our home on the ground floor as my knees hurt walking up and down. May as well wait for the food to cook here.

The lounge, which I chose every interior bit off, including the big 5 playing poker, only sees visitors on invitations.

I am not big on “drop in” guests, it makes me anxious. Fuck knows why since if you are visiting me on the spur of the moment you must know me well?

Yes, I was the same before I moved to suburbia.

Anyhow, the subject of having a purpose was a banter between my now grown and working son, Kev (18) this morning.

I find it clear to see the purpose of others in this world, but my own remains a mystery to me.

My husband is a particularly motivated and gifted teacher and leader. He has the ability to inspire others to do better, give insight and although not the easiest persona, as with many ogres, there hides a heart of gold under the sexy hairy chest that will fight relentlessly for what he believes is right.

His purpose is very clear to me as I have been witness to children, now adults, he taught years ago, give thanks and more than once I have heard “Mr Noid you were my best teacher!”

Same goes for his change in career, I have been at functions where members of his team will express their gratitude and thanksgiving.

Off course, he also had that small task of saving the Princess (then more pea and less crown)! Poor Shrek.

My divine purpose in life? I don’t know…. Do you?

I wish you, enough -
Wεƞchƴ♥

Posted by Wenchy from the second cloud on your left with WordPress for BlackBerry.